Teo walked straight past me without even giving me a look. He was totally focused on the next step.
There I stood, waiting to see if he needed me…
I couldn’t believe it.
He was actually doing it!
We had been prepping for a couple of months, and I had no idea how it was going to play out.
All I knew was: I wasn’t going to be able to be there for my kid when it happened.
An exaggeration?
This all might sound exaggerated.
I mean, who preps for months to renew a passport?
Well, when you have an 18 year old neurodivergent kid, that’s kind of what it takes.
Teo is very reluctant to talk to people he doesn’t know. It’s the main reason why he doesn’t like going to the store by himself.
He might need to ask a question, and it makes him feel really uncomfortable.
I can relate because I was very similar when I was his age.
This particular time however, I knew that I wouldn’t be allowed to support him the way he would prefer.
No practicing adulthood
You’ve been a kid your whole life.
One day, you turn 18 and suddenly you count as an adult.
Isn’t that really weird?
There is no practice period for new adults. Where we live, there’s no understanding or acceptance for neurodivergence either.
All I could do was talk Teo through the procedure.
I helped gather all the documents he needed. His dad made all the necessary copies.
Since I had renewed my passport a couple of months earlier, I had made sure to memorize the whole process. I had even made a map of the office at La Secretaría de Relaciones Exteriores to make it all even clearer.
I shared with Teo that first, they would review the documents. If all was in order, they would direct him to another place and ask him to hand over the papers. They would ask certain questions, and then they would tell him to wait. When they called his name, it would be time for the picture and signature.
He looked tense. It was clear that if he could have it his way, the renewed passport would magically appear on his pillow.
Being the mom of a human on the spectrum
I felt a bit nervous. I knew Teo would be able to make it, but I also knew it was likely to be a very overwhelming experience for him. So many different steps in a noisy place crowded with strangers…
I mean, it had been overwhelming for me! For Teo, I feared sensory overload and a possible meltdown…
It’s challenging being the mom of a human on the spectrum.
On one hand there’s the constant advocating for his needs, and making sure that people understand and support him correctly despite his invisible disabilities.
On the other hand, I always question if I’m being overprotective or not.
It’s unrealistic to imagine any human walk through life without challenges. It’s just that for folks on the spectrum it’s already way more challenging than for the majority of people.
Most of the time I get clarity by asking Teo directly. Does he need and want support, yes or no?
In this case, there was no asking. Teo loves traveling. His passport had expired. He needed a new one. It was a no brainer. It had to get done.
A first step
A month earlier, we had gotten his first official Mexican ID card. It felt a bit like a practice session.
That time they allowed me inside, but I couldn’t sit next to him. – Sólo una persona, señora.
Teo was fine. At one point he needed my help to locate our house on the map. That was all. When he was ready, we left with a paper that told us when the passport would be ready to pick up.
We needed the ID card to renew the passport, and Teo went to pick it up with Alberto, his dad.
Mama and Papa Bear
Standing on the street outside La Secretaría de Relaciones Exteriores in Oaxaca City, I realized I had forgotten to ask how it went.
I walked up to the guard and explained that my 18 year old might need my support, so could I be let inside?
– No señora. He is 18. He’s an adult. He’s capable.
That was it. All I could do was stand there and peek inside. I felt like the worst “Mamá Gallina” ever – literally a Mother Hen, or Mama Bear in English.
Oh, there he was! He had just come through the review of the documents, and walked straight past me to the place where he needed to hand over the papers.
Teo didn’t even glance in my direction. He was totally focused on the task.
I couldn’t believe it. He was actually doing it!
I texted Alberto. I really needed to share this moment with him. I was feeling all the feels. Our kid was doing so well! I felt surprised and satisfied, and I realized also felt proud.
Alberto immediately got back to me, and said he knew exactly what I was feeling. He had had the same experience when they had gone to pick up the ID card.
He shared that they had waited together and when it was Teo’s turn, Teo had gotten up and walked straight to the place where he had to sign and receive his ID card.
He had done all of this without even one glance at his dad.
Clearly, Alberto had gone through the same feelings as I was experiencing right then and there. Surprise, satisfaction – and pride.
A rite of passage
Teo has expressed many times that he doesn’t want to be challenged, that he ripens at his own pace. Basically he asks for support when he needs it.
In these two instances it wasn’t me or his dad who were challenging him. We were not the ones saying that he HAD to do these things on his own.
It’s just how the system works. Only the person renewing the passport is allowed inside. The rest of us stand waiting on the sidewalk…Teo knew he didn’t have much choice but to do what was asked of him.
To watch him go through the renewal of his passport was amazing.
We had done what we could to support him. Now it was up to him to do the rest. And he just sailed through it like he never did anything else but this.
It felt like a rite of passage.
And I remember thinking that surely something in him must shift.
Maybe a realization that he is both able and capable in spite of the discomfort?
When Teo was done, he came out looking relieved.
We went for breakfast to celebrate, and then went back so he could pick up his new passport.
What a win!
Meeting kids where they’re at
Back home, I quickly realized some things were shifting.
At one point Teo needed something from the store, and he went to get it.
At another time, he took family members to a restaurant he had never been to before.
He got a table, asked the waiter all sorts of questions, managed to order for everybody and… showed an amazing sense of responsibility and accountability.
Many people have asked me during the years if I shouldn’t challenge Teo more.
I guess it’s easy to imagine that I’m a permissive parent that lacks boundaries around her kid and that tends to overprotect him.
I mean, I do ask myself those questions every now and then.
But… I also know my son really well. I know what works and what doesn’t work.
What I have tried to do all these years, is meet him where he is at. Not where I think he needs to be.
It takes courage parenting without coercion
I’m going to be honest. It takes a lot of courage to do that. Because not only have I had to leave the schoolish mindset of comparisons, measurements and standardizations behind. I mean WHO can define when a fellow human is ready for anything?
But I also have had to put up with being constantly questioned in my parenting. It has always happened by neurotypicals that have never had to navigate neurodivergence. They are simply not capable of recognizing the invisible limitations and disabilities that come with a mind that is wired differently from what the neuronormative society demands…
Well, it’s hard. It’s been hard all along and it still is hard.
I wonder how society would change if we could leave all expectations behind… Stop comparing and measuring against an arbitrarily set norm… And instead meet all humans where they’re at. My guess is we would have a kinder and gentler society than the one we live in today.
I’ll keep supporting Teo when he needs it, trusting that he can set his own boundaries when I turn into that “Mamá Gallina”.
Also, I welcome all his requests for support. Who knows how long it will last? Maybe all my life. Or maybe, one day, Teo will fly solo fully.