Power struggles… Oh boy, do we know what we’re talking about!
Have you also had this experience? It’s happened so many times to both of us:
We’re at a restaurant (it could even be a supermarket or park) and we sense that our young humans’ behavior could potentially trigger (or is already triggering) others.
There’s definitely a sense of urgency.
Our kids need to stop doing whatever they’re doing – even though they’re safe and are having fun. Because they are triggering other adults.
And as you know, adults are “more important” and have “more rights” (enter sarcasm!) than kids and so it feels like we need to please these other adults so they don’t think we’re crappy moms.
So we follow our kids around. We micromanage them and try to make them do things OUR way. And of course, our young humans simply won’t collaborate. Because they’re having so much fun exploring and doing things that they love.
And now, we’re in the middle of a power struggle!
We’ve done it ourselves sooo many times, and we sometimes still fall into it. Especially if we’re hungry, sleep deprived, stressed out or not feeling a 100%.
And we see it play out in other parents during our ALC Immersions.
Why? Because it’s what we know. It’s what we’re used to. Because we don’t always have the insights or the tools.
And you know, that’s ok!
None of this is our fault. This was how most of us have been programmed. However, we believe that once we acknowledge it, we actually have a responsibility to change it.
The questions we’re asking ourselves all the time is: who do we want to be in our kids’ lives? How can we show up differently?
We can either keep on doing what we’re doing, because we’re the adults and we “know best”.
(But be aware: it’s also the safest way to keep on fueling more power struggles).
Or… We can:
- Stop in our tracks, recognize what we’re doing and admit it to ourselves (and why not also to our kids!)
- Learn to recognize our triggers and needs, and what makes us lean into controlling.
- Share the power. Ask what our young people need and what would work for them. Involve them in the co-creation or problem solving.
- And (and this is a big one!): ask for help when we need it.
In our experience (both our own and what we observe in others) this leads to:
- More honest, vulnerable and authentic relations.
- More trust from our part towards our young humans.
- Our young people trusting us more.
- More ease, flow, fun and joy in the family.
- Less anxiety AND less conflict!
Ending power struggles is really in our hands. By doing this work we empower both ourselves AND our kids.
PS. If you want to deepen this kind of deschooling work we’d LOVE to work with you in our Deeply Deschooling small coaching program. You can find more info here!