What do you do when your kid tells you they’re having a really hard time with their other parent?
It has happened many times in my tiny family, and I think it’s only normal because we adults come from different cultures with different capacities and different traumas.
My co-parent Alberto and I separated 10 years ago. We have always had a solid friendship and we’ve always wanted “the best” for our son.
However, our willingness, openness and readiness to take on the commitment to GROW as humans in our parenting roles have been… let’s say: different.
My advantage:
My advantage is, deschooling is my passion! I love figuring shit out about myself, challenging my ways of thinking and doing AND I’m super curious about humans and how we develop from newborns to adults.
While I know it’s never been Alberto’s intention not to be invested in our son, I also see that he hasn’t really understood HOW to be authentic with him, and how to create a deep connection that can eventually lead to a trusting relationship.
How can he, when he never had that experience growing up?
Not sharing with both parents
And so, when our son Teo has big feelings around things Alberto does or says, he shares them with me, not with his dad.
Yes, it’s painful every time it happens because I truly wish for him to feel the necessary trust to share it directly with his dad.
At the same time, it takes time and effort and a certain skill to build trust with a kid.
You can look at it as an investment in the Trust Bank of our kids. And if we don’t invest in it, we’re going to be in red numbers.
Alberto knows that he still has a long way to go to build solid trust with his son. It’s his job and responsibility to make it happen.
How can we support our co-parent?
As his co-parent I do what I can to support because I want them to develop an awesome relationship!
If your kid doesn’t fully trust the other parent, it can be really tricky to have these conversations. I mean, how are they going to be expected to share hard stuff if there is no trust?
So I become the Culture Keeper who facilitates conversations. I create the space for it (we use Connect-up meetings), and I support Teo to speak his truth and Alberto to listen to understand.
Sharing is connecting
As always when we go through this process, we get to this amazing place of sharing and connecting.
Alberto gets what about his behavior is upsetting for Teo, and what he could have done differently. And Teo can see where his dad is coming from: a place of trauma and wounds.
I know many of us parents carry a lot of resentment towards the co-parent for not doing “the same” work with our kids as we do.
Yes, it’s frustrating. But rather than creating more tension, we can come from a place of loving support.
Let’s face it, being a parent is really hard. Our kids weren’t born with manuals. So maybe we can cut each other some slack and figure out ways to mutually support one another.
This text is written with the consent of both Teo and Alberto.