We often hear parents say that they treat their kids like adults – and believe us, we’ve done it ourselves! But why do we do that? And should we, really?
We think that if you are a deschooling parent like us, you’re probably eager to get away from adultism. We acknowledge that kids are humans just like us, and that as such they deserve equal rights. So we want to bring them up as our equals, making sure that we meet their needs and that we develop a consent-based relationship with them.
But is it true that kids are adults? Should they even be?
The fact is that there are some vital differences between kids and adults. Because children are in constant development: physically, cognitively and emotionally, they can’t be expected to have all the skills needed in order to function as an adult. At the same time, it’s also true that they don’t have a lot of life experience yet. So all this to say, that if we treat kids like adults we may actually end up placing too high expectations on them – without even realizing it.
Do you get mad because your 6 year old “still” isn’t capable of doing their bed?
Do you think that your 8 year old should know how to control their impulses and behave in public?
Are you surprised that your 10 year old can’t keep the agreements you made together?
All these are signs of a parent placing unrealistic expectations on their children. We’ve done it and – unfortunately – we sometimes still do!
Being an adult comes with a lot of responsibilities. Responsibilities that have taken us years to develop because that’s what it takes to mature. As children’s rights advocates we believe that kids should have more rights than responsibilities, and that by placing too high expectations on them there is a danger that we might rob them of their childhood.
In what areas is it common for us adults to have too high expectations of kids?
- Having the capacity to deal with change of plans or transitions requires a flexibility many kids don’t have.
- Dealing with new situations and new people means you have to be able to read what’s going on around you and the capacity to understand what is expected of you and how to behave accordingly. That takes a huge skill set to manage!
- Understanding cause and effect is a skill that starts developing between 10 to 12 years – but even so, many adults never even get there.
- Structuring your time and plannig things out is a skill that requires many different steps and the ability to have a bigger perspective of things. That takes a lot of time and experience to grow into.
- Keeping back impulses and behaving “adequately” can be super hard, especially since kids run by the logic: “do what seems most fun and enticing!”
- Perseverance is a skill that needs a lot of maturation. Especially when it comes through outer pressure or extrinsic motivation.
- Empathy and compassion are abilities that require a lot of time and experience to grow. Grasping that what is true for another person is valid even though you might not understand it is hard. And being able to put your own needs aside in favor for somebody else’s requires both the above and patience – something many kids struggle with.
- Dealing with stress is not easy, and requires the capacity of self-regulation and self-soothing. Some kids have it really early on, and others need years for it to develop.
- Dealing with choice and decision-making can be very challenging for kids that aren’t really sure of what they want or are afraid of missing out.
This list could go on! But we wanted to share some of the things we notice adults are having a hard time dealing with. Most of the time there’s a mismatch between what we think our kids should be able to do and what they are actually capable of. And this is one of the big dangers with treating kids like adults.
So what could we do instead?
We think that our role as adults is to support our kids to grow by helping them build their autonomy and figure things out on their time. By observing them and their reactions, we develop the understanding of where they are and what they need. In doing so we can still treat them as our equals, with dignity and respect, and in partnership.
When we place too high expectations on our kids we may unintentionally set them up for failure. Yes, we need to help prepare them for the world, but by letting them practice being responsible, and with the awareness that we adults need to be ready to step in and take back that responsibility whenever it’s too much to handle for our kids.